Sunday, April 10, 2005
Purist Panting. Being a purist is hard work but someone has to do it. What I mean is that anyone living in this harsh New England climate with half a brain would opt for plastic or some other man-made composite for outdoor garden furniture but nooooooo, not Anna Bloviations. She has to have an Amazon forest-friendly wood table and chairs that remind her of California! All the better to go with her California-style house in the middle of New England. And rather than let said furniture weather to a nice gray pantene, no she rather likes the amber look one gets with strenuous rubbings of teak oil. Looks extremely nice except that by the end of the season you invariably have black mold spots caused by trapped moisture a la thunder storms, humidity, and moody temperature swings. Not to worry. There is a solution for everything right? So.... you go to Crate & Barrel and buy product that will restore your furniture to its original amber luster. Step 1: Liberally spray all chairs and table with anti-mildew, spot remover stuff. Scrub rigorously the backs, fronts, seat, legs, etc. of all six chairs plus the rather large table replete with half-inch apart slates. Hose all that down with water. Then go to Step 2: Use the 'special cleaner' to scrub again all six chairs and that bitch of a big table. Hose all that down again with water. Step 3: Look askance at those six chairs and that bitch of a big table before rubbing them down with the 'prepping' solution designed to wick away excess moisture to prepare the furniture for the next THREE STEPS. Jesus. OK, on the next round (Step 4) , with hands raw and scratched from step 1,2. and 3, rub 1/4 part prep solution and 3/4 part teak oil onto all six chairs and that big bitch of a table. After fifteen minutes, wipe off excess solution and repeat the process (which I think counts as Step 5 but the instructions don't say that so as not to completely discourage the sucker doing all this). OK, on to Step 5 (6). Repeat Step 4 AGAIN. Let all this sit overnight and then the next day, rub all six chairs (each of which you have named and assigned a personality by now) and that big bitch of a table down with a pure solution of teak oil. Let sit fifteen minutes before wiping down excess oil with a fine cloth. You cannot imagine how gorgeous all this outdoor furniture looks but geezzzz..... how many seasons of that before I cave...
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