Friday, June 04, 2004
This posting appeared April 9 on www.armywives.com -- a rather weird website if there ever was one but this posting below is just great and I especially like point #27...:
Want to pretend you are deployed? Here is a lost of things you can do right in your own home
1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Two hours after you go to sleep have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Hang a green plastic sheet down the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. For a more realistic experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take a shower, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "high."
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawn mower running in your living room twenty-four hours a day.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Buy a trash compactor and use it only once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
12. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate that there is no hot water by running out into your yard and using the garden hose.
13. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
14. Use eighteen scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
15. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
16. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read.
17. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either stumble or hit your head every time you pass through.
18. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you along with a gun and a flashlight.
19. Wash only fifteen items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and, without ironing or removing the mildew, wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like.
20. Demand each family member be limited to ten minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
21. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
22. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
22. Fire off fifty cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars.
23. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
24. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the back yard. Complain that the 4x4s are not on center and make them rebuild it.
25. When your five-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a form and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
26. Wait for the coldest/hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air-conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/hot.
27. Go to the most crime-infested place you can find, heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
Want to pretend you are deployed? Here is a lost of things you can do right in your own home
1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Two hours after you go to sleep have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Hang a green plastic sheet down the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. For a more realistic experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take a shower, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "high."
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawn mower running in your living room twenty-four hours a day.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Buy a trash compactor and use it only once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
12. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate that there is no hot water by running out into your yard and using the garden hose.
13. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
14. Use eighteen scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
15. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
16. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read.
17. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either stumble or hit your head every time you pass through.
18. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you along with a gun and a flashlight.
19. Wash only fifteen items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and, without ironing or removing the mildew, wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like.
20. Demand each family member be limited to ten minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
21. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
22. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
22. Fire off fifty cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars.
23. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
24. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the back yard. Complain that the 4x4s are not on center and make them rebuild it.
25. When your five-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a form and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
26. Wait for the coldest/hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air-conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/hot.
27. Go to the most crime-infested place you can find, heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
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