Sunday, November 02, 2003
Would it be too much to ask for a mop that doesn't fall apart the third time you use it? Yesterday I stood in line at a couple of 'home improvement' centers to return some items we ended up not using in our bathroom face-lift project. Not only is the whole return process an archaic nightmare, I was simply amazed at all of the people waiting to return products that screamed: "Heh Sucker! -- you're wasting a couple of hours of your valuable time, not to mention gallons of gas on me -- a product now destined for a near-by landfill and which may or may not degrade (depending on my chemical compound)."
Especially the young newlyweds, the very tax-paying embodiment of any hope what-so-ever of sustaining Social Security and Medicaid, should not be distracted with time-consuming and irritating trips to Home Depot to replace a product they just spent good bucks on less than a year ago. No romance there. Just accusatory finger-pointing about money being wasted on stuff they can't afford [they're still paying off wedding-debt, remember?]. No, these couples should by right have the means to buy a good-quality, long-lasting, ergonomic-friendly product the first time around. It's the least we can do for the next generation of taxpayers being asked to foot the Ka-Trillion-Dollar Iraq bill along with us baby-boomers who have a wicked accustomed-lifestyle-addiction.
HERE ARE ANNA BLOVIATION'S RANDOM AWARDS FOR BEST HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS AND SERVICES (presented in such a way as to make them appealing to the newly married couple i.e. SEX SELLS PRODUCTS). Some of these things may seem a bit pricey, like the $1,070 Miele vacuum I recommend, but others are a steal, like the stainless steel Revere 3-piece bowl set at $12.99. All are quality-made and built to last a lot longer than most marriages do. Newlyweds need only skimp a little on the invitation stationary and bridesmaid dresses, and they could easily afford all of the indispensable items listed in no particular order below:
1. Dust balls and dog hair have no place on the floor when you're sensually rolling on it -- especially if you have allergies. A vacuum you won't ever regret buying : Best Vacuum
2. Ditto: keep your wood floors as gleaming as the significant other you have pinned to it with this ambidextrous, double-jointed, German-engineered: Best Floor Mop
3. Tired of your S.U.V.-cellulited butt? Try this European derriere-enhancer guaranteed to firm your fanny and infatuate your flame: Best Way to Lose Weight While Grocery Shopping
4. Dead tired at 8 p.m. and need a little pick-me-up to get your engines raring after working three jobs to pay the Iraqi war debt? Best Pick-Me-Up Drink
5. Your leather-clad mistress complaining of dungeon odor? Freshen those dark and funky-smelling places with : Best Musty Odor Eliminator
6. Have you had it with mildewed, slippery shower sex? Keep your tiles squeaky, slip-free-clean with : Best Bathroom Squeegee
7. Looking for some new and interesting S&M toys? Not sure what you could do with these but...: Best Indestructible Kitchen Utensil for Cheap
8. Time to sell your start-up house but you don't have a lot of money [because you spent it all on the wedding] for a major face-lift?: The Best Case for Painting Your Walls Re-Sale-White
9. This 'squeezer' is only for the hard-core connoisseur: Best Presser for the $$$
10. This works like a charm every time. Enjoy deep penetration and sure-fire withdrawal for years to come: Best XXX-screw for the $$$
11. Spice up your love life with organic whip cream and a wine that won't put a dent into your disposable-income pot at :Best Super Market
Especially the young newlyweds, the very tax-paying embodiment of any hope what-so-ever of sustaining Social Security and Medicaid, should not be distracted with time-consuming and irritating trips to Home Depot to replace a product they just spent good bucks on less than a year ago. No romance there. Just accusatory finger-pointing about money being wasted on stuff they can't afford [they're still paying off wedding-debt, remember?]. No, these couples should by right have the means to buy a good-quality, long-lasting, ergonomic-friendly product the first time around. It's the least we can do for the next generation of taxpayers being asked to foot the Ka-Trillion-Dollar Iraq bill along with us baby-boomers who have a wicked accustomed-lifestyle-addiction.
HERE ARE ANNA BLOVIATION'S RANDOM AWARDS FOR BEST HOUSEHOLD PRODUCTS AND SERVICES (presented in such a way as to make them appealing to the newly married couple i.e. SEX SELLS PRODUCTS). Some of these things may seem a bit pricey, like the $1,070 Miele vacuum I recommend, but others are a steal, like the stainless steel Revere 3-piece bowl set at $12.99. All are quality-made and built to last a lot longer than most marriages do. Newlyweds need only skimp a little on the invitation stationary and bridesmaid dresses, and they could easily afford all of the indispensable items listed in no particular order below:
1. Dust balls and dog hair have no place on the floor when you're sensually rolling on it -- especially if you have allergies. A vacuum you won't ever regret buying : Best Vacuum
2. Ditto: keep your wood floors as gleaming as the significant other you have pinned to it with this ambidextrous, double-jointed, German-engineered: Best Floor Mop
3. Tired of your S.U.V.-cellulited butt? Try this European derriere-enhancer guaranteed to firm your fanny and infatuate your flame: Best Way to Lose Weight While Grocery Shopping
4. Dead tired at 8 p.m. and need a little pick-me-up to get your engines raring after working three jobs to pay the Iraqi war debt? Best Pick-Me-Up Drink
5. Your leather-clad mistress complaining of dungeon odor? Freshen those dark and funky-smelling places with : Best Musty Odor Eliminator
6. Have you had it with mildewed, slippery shower sex? Keep your tiles squeaky, slip-free-clean with : Best Bathroom Squeegee
7. Looking for some new and interesting S&M toys? Not sure what you could do with these but...: Best Indestructible Kitchen Utensil for Cheap
8. Time to sell your start-up house but you don't have a lot of money [because you spent it all on the wedding] for a major face-lift?: The Best Case for Painting Your Walls Re-Sale-White
9. This 'squeezer' is only for the hard-core connoisseur: Best Presser for the $$$
10. This works like a charm every time. Enjoy deep penetration and sure-fire withdrawal for years to come: Best XXX-screw for the $$$
11. Spice up your love life with organic whip cream and a wine that won't put a dent into your disposable-income pot at :Best Super Market
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