Sunday, September 28, 2003
SORRY MADAME BUT UNCLE ERNIE ISN'T GOING TO FIT. I'm all for entrepreneurship but the notion that we now have Goliath Casket in the phone directory to service the deceased obese just really makes me crazed. In addition to the standard 28-inch wide coffin (which served Americans corpses very well for the last two hundred-plus years thank you very much), Goliath offers newly introduced 33-inch and 49-inch-wide coffins to the grieving families unable to stuff big Uncle Ernie into a standard-sized box. Goliath Casket's sales have been increasing 20% annually. Hearse manufacturers are now trying to get in on the action with re-designed vehicles that feature bigger rear doors. LINK
Span out your arms and think about what this means for a moment. You have a ballooning nation of the obscenely obese, all of whom will one of these days (probably sooner than later), be kicking the bucket. Rather than McNuggets, they will be gobbling up McSwaths of land 4x6-feet-at-a-time along with the Amazon forests cut down in order to build their SUV-sized caskets. Somebody call the Sierra Club! And no, cremation is not an option (yet). Turns out most crematoria cannot handle bodies over 500 pounds.
More disturbing to me is the thought that a new whole new generation is growing up to think that 4 ft-wide mega-coffins are as normal as everything else fat that they have been conditioned to accept: seatbelt extenders on airlines, wider stadium seats, bigger health care bills due to all of the complications associated with obesity, and of course the omnipresent gargantuan vehicles designed to accommodate Uncle Ernie’s fat ass.
The director of International Size-Acceptance Association, Allen Steadham, wants industries to adapt to America's widening girth. Well who do you think the industries are going to pass down their costs to? So in addition to my gym membership, now I am supposed to pay for Uncle Ernie's 100 extra pounds? If you think 100 extra pounds could be in any way, shape, or form healthy, try the following: tie twenty 5lb. bags of sugar to your body and walk around for a day.
My politically-correct-reared kids get mad when I go off on my tangent against the obese. Well I'm sorry. Just lose it. You'll feel better and look better. Goliath Caskets might go out of business but don't worry; there will be ten new business ideas to accommodate the new lethargic-free America.
Span out your arms and think about what this means for a moment. You have a ballooning nation of the obscenely obese, all of whom will one of these days (probably sooner than later), be kicking the bucket. Rather than McNuggets, they will be gobbling up McSwaths of land 4x6-feet-at-a-time along with the Amazon forests cut down in order to build their SUV-sized caskets. Somebody call the Sierra Club! And no, cremation is not an option (yet). Turns out most crematoria cannot handle bodies over 500 pounds.
More disturbing to me is the thought that a new whole new generation is growing up to think that 4 ft-wide mega-coffins are as normal as everything else fat that they have been conditioned to accept: seatbelt extenders on airlines, wider stadium seats, bigger health care bills due to all of the complications associated with obesity, and of course the omnipresent gargantuan vehicles designed to accommodate Uncle Ernie’s fat ass.
The director of International Size-Acceptance Association, Allen Steadham, wants industries to adapt to America's widening girth. Well who do you think the industries are going to pass down their costs to? So in addition to my gym membership, now I am supposed to pay for Uncle Ernie's 100 extra pounds? If you think 100 extra pounds could be in any way, shape, or form healthy, try the following: tie twenty 5lb. bags of sugar to your body and walk around for a day.
My politically-correct-reared kids get mad when I go off on my tangent against the obese. Well I'm sorry. Just lose it. You'll feel better and look better. Goliath Caskets might go out of business but don't worry; there will be ten new business ideas to accommodate the new lethargic-free America.
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